Fuck Resident Evil 5

I wrote this on True Achievements ages ago and never copied it here. Lost track of it after the battle…

Well, Crapcom never fails to disappoint. I finished the main game over a week ago. I’m still thinking about how horrible it was, and all the praise for it makes me sick.

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Graphics
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Ok, it looks good, but I don’t need a cutscene interrupting me every 6 seconds to prove it!!! Did they include to option to play without cutscenes after finishing the game once? Of course not. Make a game or make a movie. Stop trying to do both together. Then to make it worse, you never know when it’s going to turn into QTE hell.

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Story
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I think I prefer the movies. The story just seemed to stray farther and farther from where RE began. I don’t remember a lot about the first couple, but I know damn well the zombies didn’t shoot back or turn into giant cockroaches.

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Gameplay
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Could the controls possible be any worse? The only 3rd person title Capcom has ever made with decent controls was the Devil May Cry series. How did they get that so right and everything else so wrong? I put up with Dead Rising and it’s mind numbing load screens. I love the Onimusha series in spite of the less than stellar controls, but this game is ridiculous. News flash: laser sights suck in 3rd person. A reticule would be nice. If you’re not going to let me move while aiming, at least make the aiming better.

It’s not just the aiming though. The movement is painfully slow even when “running.” What the hell kind of run is that? You’re not crossing the street. You’re running from fucking zombies! Move your ass! Then even when you’re in a gun fight, you’re constantly interrupted by QTEs. Yeah, I’m trying to shoot things with a mounted machine gun and it’s just going to randomly ask me to press a button and give me only a split second to do it or take a stupid amount of damage. No thank you. I don’t need a QTE for everything. I for one, remember a time when we actually finished our own battles, and ran away from things without the need for a QTE.

When you play on Professional, everything kills you in 1 hit….in a game where you move and react like a goddamn turtle. Great work guys. How bout you just sharpen the discs and throw them at us. Might be more fun than playing this. It was totally awesome having the AI get herself killed 50+ times during an insane boss fight. One little burst from the boss bitch’s SMG and somebody drops dead. It took me 100 tries to complete that fight, and only a 3rd of the deaths were my own. Cheapest, most retarded boss fight ever. I had one dude dead/dying 3 or 4 times and the AI just goes and gets shot by the other bitch. I’ve never been so close to breaking a 360 controller, and I’ve played some real gems on 360. I spent 10 hours failing a race in Ridge Racer 6 one time, and that didn’t piss me off nearly as much as this.

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Final Thoughts
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Why is the grenade launcher the only thing with no Infinite Ammo option!? All those stupid figurines and junk, and they couldn’t include the ammo option for one more gun. Amazing.

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