Fuck Gaming

Holy shit. How the fuck does any sane person stand gaming anymore? I tried the Devil May Cry 4 Special Edition on XB1, because I loved the 360 version and wanted to earn all the achievements again. Well, fuck if it hasn’t added one of the most irritating features I’ve ever seen. Every time you load up the game OR your controller shuts off while the game is running, you’re forced to “choose a profile.” What the fuck is wrong with the profile I’m already signed in on and in a party chat with using this controller you stupid motherfucker!?!? Then to make things even better, if you leave the controller off for a while the game locks up with that dialog to connect your controller and press A. Fucking piece of shit. Is there anything that’s not broken for at least a year after release? Rare Replay still crashes randomly if you don’t hard rest to clear your cache before playing. #LearnToCodeShitThatWorks

Everything in gaming is being made idiot proof nowadays. No, more like retard proof. Every time you do anything, “are you sure?” No, I just selected that for the hell of it. FUCKING DO IT! The only time software should ask me if I’m sure is if I’m fucking deleting something! You go to quit out of a game and it tries to scare the shit out of you about losing your current progress. You just auto-saved 10 seconds ago, you piece of shit! FUCK OFF!

Then 343 is going to start banning everyone for quitting in games. Not just for 15 minutes like Reach, as if that wasn’t annoying enough. Now they’re going to keep dialing up the time every time you quit again. I can’t stand all these geniuses defending quit bans.

1. There will ALWAYS be quitters. It’s a fact of life in online games. If you care so much about your w/l or k/d then play with friends instead of randoms.

2. They paid for the game and XBL same as you. If they don’t like a map or whatever, they’re going to quit. Deal with it.

3. Think about alternative. I’ve seen it all in Reach, and that only banned for 15 minutes, but it did it every time you quit after a certain point. People will take the best weapons/vehicles and purposely waste them, drive you off the map so you commit suicide, jump on your tank or stand in front of your sniper so you kill them by accident, follow you around and shoot your shields off. The most entertaining thing is to hijack an enemy warthog with the gunner still in it and drive it around to spawn kill your own teammates so they pretty much have to betray you to stop it. I think it’s better to just let people quit. Don’t you?

The bottom line is, if they don’t want to be in the match, they’re not going to be much help. They might get 1 kill then rubber band their stick and play games on their phone until the next match. You can’t stop them. That’s what the XBL rep system is supposed to be for, not 343’s heavy handed bullshit. Then again, I was 67% avoided on Reach simply because I took all the kills in firefight and went for kills in multi-team while NEVER going for the objective. In firefight I made a point of taking every vehicle kill on days when they had a daily challenge for it as a statement for those of us who slaved away for the commendation (or still are/were) because fuck casual gamers. “I want my challenge.” Fuck you. Vehicle kills in firefight were like tight pussy–a rare and precious thing to those of us trying to get the 12,000 to max the commendation–and some stupid fucker at Bungie/343 somehow thought a daily challenge for getting them was a good idea.

By the way. Fuck Halo. I lined up at midnight for Halo 4 and Halo MCC. Never again. Halo 4 was a fucking joke. Yeah, slap everyone with a bullshit XP cap and start the MP out with almost no playlists. Slayer, slayer, and slayer. It was the same with Halo MCC but worse. On Reach, we had multi-team, SWAT, Snipers, Acton Sack, Infection, Objective. Hell, I don’t think MCC even had an FFA list starting off. SWAT was one of the highest population playlists on Reach, but they launch Halo 4 without it? What the fuck? How goddamn hard is it to add a SWAT playlist!? Copy team slayer, set DMR loadouts, disable all other weapons, and turn off shields. Done. How long did it take 343 to fucking do it?

Then MLG gets to have their own playlist with their special hardcore settings for their special players. I say “special” because they’re all fucking assholes. I still remember half the people who would hide in firefight for free shit and refuse to actually participate had MLG gamerpics and/or MLG shit in their bio. Come get 469 kills in a firefight match without dying or get one of the top 5 highest firefight scores in the world then tell me you’re too fucking good for it.

Then they all argue that camping power weapons and hiding in corners with shotguns/swords is fucking skill. Come try that shit in big team battle, assholes. Every wonder why there’s never 8v8 Halo tournaments for MLG, etc? Because they can’t handle shit where everyone spawns with access to the same weapons/vehicles on a giant fucking map. Their turbo crouching, ghandi hopping, grenade banking cheap nonsense doesn’t fucking work in BTB. It only works on little sandbox maps that they can get an advantage on, and those maps are usually unbalanced to begin with.

Another thing. Why the fuck do Halo games start you with so little ammo for your default loadout compared to other games? I’ve played games that you start MP matches with 150 rounds for your pistol. You start with like 20 on Halo Reach. I’d rather have more pistol ammo than go fight over a fucking rocket launcher/sniper/shotgun, assholes. Furthermore, why do hardly any shooter games offer a proper semi-auto weapon. Halo has the DMR, but what the hell do other games have? It’s almost always this heavy emphasis on spray and pray, full auto shit, instead of accurate weapons. You can have an AR or a Sniper. Want something accurate for medium range instead of spraying? Too fuckin bad. Either there’s nothing or there’s a pistol you can’t find any fucking ammo for…or a pistol that sucks balls like on Sniper Elite V2/3.

If 343 wants to ban someone, they should ban teabaggers. It’s like flipping people off in FPS games. Trash talking via the only sign language the game has to offer. Why even have a fucking crouch button? Anyone crouching is usually a fucking douche bag anyway. You know. Those fucking dildos that hide in the corner with a shotgun or just hide and crouch in SWAT trying to get some advantage over anyone approaching. That or ghandi hopping around the entire match in SWAT with fucking bumper jumper and crouch together. Fuck them. Crouching is completely unnecessary in multiplayer.

In any case, Master Shit Collection has too many issues to be enjoyable. These assholes couldn’t even code an infinite ammo skull for campaign. Halo CE’s Bandanna skull gave infinite ammo for EVERYTHING, but Halo 2’s Bandanna/Masterblaster doesn’t apply to engery weapons. Nice job, as usual, assholes. Then that fucking IWBYD skull on Halo 2 never spawns to be picked up. 1 in 7 chance, huh guys? Sure, that’s why it’s been 50+ tries and I still haven’t seen the motherfucker spawn. Let us not forget about 343’s complete bullshit idea of LASO. LASO is “Legendary ALL Skulls On” NOT just the ones you feel like turning on, you fucking idiots. If you’re going to pick and choose, leave out that Blind bullshit like the challenges on Reach always did. If not, turn the Envy skull on along with everything else. Envy was in the original Xbox release of Halo 2. It has no business being left out of LASO or disabling achievements.

I like to complete my games, but there’s very little I can really get into in terms of online multiplayer. Anyone smart just gets sessions together on an achievement hunting site and boosts the achievements, which I do. However, there are still idiots who will try to play the oldest and shittiest games ever released. There are also some total shit stains that think that their leaderboard status on a 10 years old game that nobody fucking plays anymore is somehow important or means anything to anyone but them. They’ll sit in a lobby all goddamn day just waiting for some random n00b to start up a match so they can ass rape them for their precious stats. Do me a favor, swamp thing. Take a shower, drag your fat ass down to the bus stop, go to Walmart, get a new fucking game that actually has an active population, and learn to play it. Nobody gives a fuck that you’re the master of some shit game nobody plays. Please go stroke your cock in private.

Yeah, I know. I’m playing old games too…cause new ones fucking SUCK! Everything that’s a strictly online game shits on people who play alone and play alone. I need 6 people to do that? Fuck you. I’m not joining a clan to be able to find enough people to do the shit I want to do on the game I bought. Clans are for kids and southern folk. Sure, it’s nice to run with 2-4 friends when you have them, but it’s fucking stupid to sit around not being able to do jack shit without them. Therefore, fuck Destiny. People like me also get fucked by arbitrary caps on progress. What the blueberry fuck muffins makes these fucking developers think they should be able to tell me I’m playing too much and limit my goddamn progress? It doesn’t matter if it’s player versus player or player versus enemy (MMO). These fucking games try to cater to casuals and limit the hardcore players so the assholes that only play a few hours a week don’t feel left behind. Fuck them! Gamers are the ones who buy 20+ games per year. Casuals buy one or two and trade them back. Gamers collect the fucking games and play the shit out of them. I played Halo Reach to the tune of 250 DAYS of playtime, and I’m probably barely top 500 for playtime on that game. At this rate, I’ll never find another game that’s worth putting that kind of time into.

Now my downloads on 360 keep timing out or something because my internet is such shit. I’m NOT getting disconnected from XBL, it just keeps popping up “Can’t download…” for no fucking reason. It’s really pissing me off. Of course 360 can’t multi-task at all. I can’t even play a fucking demo or anything offline singleplayer while downloading. Everything stops the fucking download when you boot it. The dashboard is still slow as hell. It shouldn’t take so goddamn long to bring up the details page for a game after I hit X to install it. I pressed X to install, not download everything about it from the motherfucking marketplace! 10 years and we’re just doing worse instead of better. Fuck.

There’s still no straight up blacklist to completely avoid someone you don’t want to play with again. What the fuck? The feedback system on 360 was completely meaningless and never avoided the people you told it you wanted to avoid. Do people really expect the XB1 one to not be completely broken too? Hell, 343Imbeciles get to shit on your rep for all of XBL just for quitting matches now, as if Halo MCC wasn’t broken enough. The feedback system is a joke. If you’re too good, people neg you. If you suck, people neg you. It’s a lot like firefight on Reach was. If you were killing too much, you’d get shot with fuel rods. Sit back and try to snipe, you get shot by fuel rods whether you’ve got the highest score in the game or lowest. People are never happy. All we need is a way to never play with specific people again if they piss us off, and a way to file complaints on anyone that cheats, trash talks, etc. That simple.

Headsets are still shit too. How the fuck are Turtle Beach headsets still so goddamn great, but after all these years they can’t prevent the headsets from blasting the rest of the chat party with that crazy loud tone that makes us all rip our headsets off!? Then I swear half the randoms I run into have their mic picking up their TV. How fucking stupid are you that you can’t see that voice icon on the screen? That means you’re constantly broadcasting your TV through the mic or breathing on it, you fucking idiot. Fix that shit!!!
Automatic updates on XB1 don’t work for shit either. I leave my console on 24/7, not fucking standby/sleep/whatever, ON. It should NOT wait until I actually try to load a game to tell me the motherfucker has an update. That should’ve been downloaded already, assholes. Then you have shit like Warframe that forces you to update within the game so you can’t run anything else while it updates. As an added bonus, the stupid fucker stops the update process if your controller shuts off. Who programs this shit!?!??!?!? To further fail, they never update the game installs on the fucking marketplace servers. When I download something, it should be the current fucking version, NOT download THEN demand another 10 gigs in patches. Fuck off.

Where did all this complete shit programming come from? Every game I play on both 360 and XB1 just seems to slow things down for no fucking reason. Lame ass QTEs, unskippable cutscenes, and bullshit unnecessary little cutscenes for EVERYTHING. Why the fuck do I need a cutscene showing me a door unlocked on DMC4 or to show the door opening as I go through on Resident Evil? FUCK OFF! Stop locking me into bullshit scenes for no reason and let me have control! Let me play through the game at my pace. Give me an option to turn off ALL bullshit and just fight through the fucking game. WHY is that so difficult!? Then you play games with online features that you can opt to play solo, and you still have all these fucking countdowns and nonsense when you’re alone. Everything is just slow for no fucking reason.

Furthermore, the camera in games should NOT be constantly fucking us over and making things harder. Nintendo did it better with Mario 64 20 fucking years ago than anyone else has since. What the fuck? Why is it so hard to program a decent camera or make it easy for us to adjust the fucking angle? Make a good game with challenging enemies, not bullshit that’s challenging because we can’t see what the fuck we’re doing half the time.

One more thing. What is this “safe area” and screen border setting bullshit on every new game I start? It’s not a fucking PC. It’s a fucking game console! TVs are almost all 16:9 now. Let anyone with anything old or different go into the settings to adjust their shit. We shouldn’t all be nagged by a pointless setting.

PS4 isn’t much better, but the UI is a little nicer. I rented The Order 1886 to see what it was like, and I barely made it through the fucking intro. Unskippable cutscenes and QTE shit. The only thing that kept me from ripping out the disc and sending it straight back to Gamefly in the first 60 seconds is how cool the guns look. I wanted to actually get to the point of shooting something before turning it off. PS4 is also complete shit for watching blu-ray movies. The setting whether to allow BDs to connect to the internet or not is broken. Unchecking the box is supposed to mean never allow BDs online, NOT asking me every goddamn time I put a motherfucking disc in! Then the damn thing doesn’t autoplay movies like PS3 did. The bluetooth remote is a piece of shit that automatically shuts itself off. The BT remote for PS3 never did that. Wait. That’s bluetooth too. Why the fuck can’t I use that on PS4, assholes!?

Back on the XB1 front, I picked up Gears of War UE on sale. I didn’t get it because I have any interest in the multiplayer or even give a fuck. I got it because I liked the campaign and wanted to play it again for achievements. However, the XB1 won’t let me. I waited 50 minutes for that fucking disc to install. It was NOT downloading anything, because on 3mb DSL it would’ve taken far longer. That was literally disc install time. I declined the 5.4GB update when I started, and I declined it again when I tried to boot the game. The piece of shit refuses to boot the game so I can play singleplayer unless I accept the goddamn update. Again, fuck you, MS. At least PS4 got that much right. PS4 does NOT force you to update before booting a game. You’ll likely be force to update if you want to play multiplayer, but that’s different. I should NOT have to unplug my internet and play offline to play the damn thing. Then my save isn’t synced with the cloud, and I can’t communicate with friends. I spend a lot of time in party chat with friends I’m not actually playing with. If nothing else, It helps keep me awake while I work on some of these achievements.

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1 Response to Fuck Gaming

  1. devinhelgeson says:

    I like games

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